By: Emily Miller
Dearest Mom,
I want to know why you have not been happy. I want to know why you don’t follow your dreams. You sacrifice everything you have ever wanted for the satisfaction of knowing your kids will have lived their best lives. We appreciate everything you have done for us, but it’s time for you to cater to yourself. Self-care and empowerment has never been a bad thing, and the stigma behind it being so is disappearing. Women are no longer just mothers and sisters, we are fighting for our place in society. The kitchen is no longer our home. We can go out and conquer the world, whether that be being a stay-at-home mom, a congresswoman, a janitor, or a president. After years and years of being overlooked, after fighting for our right to choose, fighting for our suffrage, fighting for equality (a fight we still have), we are finally being taken seriously. Mom, your life has never been about you. It has been about your daughter you had when you were 16, it has been about your divorce you got when you were merely 19, it has been about getting an education for an uncertain future, it has been about meeting my father and having us kids. You never got to grow up in an environment where you could work on yourself, and I think that is the most important thing any woman can do in their lives. Now is your time.
Although, even you have fueled the stigma behind believing in women and identifying as a feminist. You view feminism as a connotative man hating club and say that these women are unjust. Although some feminists are over the line and fail to see the bigger picture, most feminists just want women to feel safe on the streets and feel equal to men. I know that you think feminism is pushing women to be the elite in society, but we just want equality. We must accept each other, no matter the gender. No woman should have to cross the street late at night to avoid walking past a tall man with their hood up. No woman should be forced to give birth to an unwanted child, just to be told she is selfish for giving it up for adoption. No woman should be overlooked for her gender. You, of all people, should know how it feels to be pushed around and stepped on because you should ‘know your place’ as a woman.
Gender stereotyping begins before birth. Expecting parents’ reactions to having a boy is very different and relaxed compared to the reaction parent’s have when having a girl. Having two girls, instead of the boy you wanted made you heartbroken. Parents like you know the struggles women have to face, and want to avoid it as much as possible. Women have to deal with many things that men will never be able to understand. The social pressures to always look done-up and be the best-looking woman in the room starts from when you hit puberty. Mom, I could never understand the frustration you faced because of how people treated me. Especially in middle school, boys would comment on my lack of boobs, the flatness of my butt, and my natural hair. You could not control me when I cried myself to sleep or when I did not open up to you. As I grew up you would watch me slowly conform to societal standards of beauty and avoid my tormentors. From then on, I received many kits with lipgloss and eyeshadow. No matter the cost, we are expected to wear make-up to achieve a natural look, which is quite contradictory. But you taught me how to do just that, and I will be forever grateful.
Body hair has also been a constant battle. As we watch people online, including Miley Cyrus, Bella Thorne, and other celebrities make women’s body hair mainstream, you still gasp and call it gross. I can’t imagine growing up like you, in a society where women are expected to shave their leg hairs, mustaches, and armpits without question, for the pleasure of other people. You try to understand what these celebrities are thinking, and their motives behind their actions, but you still come to the conclusion that they should just shave themselves. Many girls, including me, have struggled with their thick dark body hair and the comments that surface because of it. I think the very small capacity for people to accept body hair on women when they see it is representative of the lack of equality of women in the world today. It is not your fault that you are surprised by body hair on women, because it is the political climate you were exposed to. But, it proves beyond doubt that both men and women are the oppressors. God made each person with care and consideration, and nobody should have to hide that for the sake of being accepted in society, with or without body hair.
Mom, you have seen women’s clothes evolve over time to become more revealing and skimpy. Today, women are not comfortable with wearing a crop top, booty shorts, tight dresses, or heels, they will not be as well-received in society because they will not be appealing to men. In the past, you have talked about those same patterns and trends. Whereas, men are allowed to wear almost anything without any questions asked. Comfort should be put above all else, and if we want to wear our movie night attire, we should be able to. If people enjoy dressing up in tight outfits and heels, let them, but if someone wants to wear an oversized shirt to the club, she should not be looked at like an outcast. And if men want to wear heels and a crop-top, let them. As long as everybody is comfortable in their skin and feels confident, that is what society should prioritize. Sometimes I wish you would have believed that growing up, because you would believe that now.
When gender reveals gleam of blue color, most people are relieved to have a boy because they are seen as easier to raise than girls. Their hair is mostly short, their outfits are easy to put together, they are fairly emotionless, and they are happy being in sports. You never got that experience with raising an all girl family. However, you saw my friends’ parents tell their sons not to show emotions because they are “crying like a girl” and they are better than that. We witnessed little boys look at me and their parents would say “Oh, are you checking the little girl out” or “Is that your girlfriend?”. We saw little boys being raised to see women as inferior, that women are equivalent to girlfriends instead of an equivalent. Boys should be taught from a very young age to respect women, be vulnerable, and be a good, well-rounded human being.
Mom, I wish there were more men in the world who cared about your personality more than your jean size. I am glad you found a gentleman in my dad after divorcing someone who did not respect you or your young daughter. I can only hope that I find someone who treats me like dad treats you. I just wish you would have been more ambitious in following your dreams and making yourself happy. The generation you grew up in taught you to partake in the rat race, find a good husband, have kids, and live out that fantasy. But I hope you see recent feminism advancements and feel empowerment in being a kick-ass mom and woman in general!
Lots of love,
Emily