Megan
(OMINOUS SOUND) Welcome to Megan’s Medical Morge. Hello, my name is Megan Shaffer and I’m 5’11. That is usually not relevant, but it is for my life because I am the clumsiest person in the world (CARTOON SLIPS) but also someone who used to try to avoid attention, and being this tall, it was impossible to hide in a crowd of people. The higher my face off the ground (CARTOON FALLING), the more air I could fall through to fall on to my face. There’s an assumption that tall people are athletically gifted in one way or another, but for me, (INCORRECT) that is just a myth. I’ve not only been off the growth chart so high that the line disappeared off the doctor’s computer screen during my childhood, but my immune system turns against me quite frequently (CHILD COUGHING). I’ve been falling from my great height (sometimes up the stairs, most of the time the time down the stairs, most of the time just by walking) (CRASH NOISE), catching swine flu (6th grade, I was out of school for two weeks), twisting my baby deer ankles (my tendons are still recovering from years of giving out), breaking my arm in church (my mom thought I was faking that one), and pneumonia my senior year of highschool which took me out of my senior year champs, all while experiencing chronic heartburn (since forever), anemia (thanks to my ironpills that’s not as bad anymore) (YAY), and TMJ (the way my jaw cracks isn’t the biggest turn on). Besides falling and getting sick with weird things that most people don’t experience unless they are an infant, I play the most non-contact sport, swimming (SWIMMING NOISES), and still manage to almost break an ankle (after I fell off the diving block) and a nose (my face went straight into the lane line), along with getting monthly ear infections (sometimes so bad I can’t even swim). Not only does swimming in chlorine everyday make my skin dry and body ache that makes me feel decades older, it causes me to lose some of my eyebrows (YIKES) (that’s a real look let me tell you) and turns my hair green. I also happen to swim the longest events known to man: the mile and the 500 (EW). I know what you’re thinking, a girl like me doesn’t sound like I can handle that, but I can. Only in the water am I somewhat more graceful than on land where gravity gets me every time. I know a lot about how Web M.D.ing at 3am can make you think that you’re dying (ALARMS) (my gums once swell and I thought I had scurvy, side note, I didn’t, it was mono), and I have almost every over the counter drug known to man in the highest potency in the largest value pack shoved (PILLS DISPENSING) into one drawer in my room. I will never hesitate to give you a shot of NyQuil when your nose is stuffy and you can’t sleep, or give you some tums when your heartburn flares up. When I’m not falling, catch me writing (TYPEWRITIER NOISE) and reading books as I strive to be a bestselling author, which is something I want to be with my entire heart-burnt heart.
Shout to zapsplat for the sound effects and my mom, for always taking me to the doctors and reassuring me that I’ll be okay when I wake up.