Ayla Nyriese
Juxta Crucem begins, slowly fading into the background ass the eulogy begins]
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to remember fondly the life of Ayla Nyriese.
Born in 1997, Ayla was adopted by two Lutheran pastors. She grew up attending funerals, touching her first dead body at the young age of four. Her father was not pleased.
Throughout her childhood, Ayla spent her time being a menace to society. Before entering kindergarten, Ayla learned how to unlock the deadbolt by using a chair to climb onto the kitchen counter. She used this knowledge multiple times while escaping to visit the neighbors, much to the chagrin of her parents.
Once school began, Ayla found her love of books. As an only child, it was often Ayla’s job to entertain herself. Her parents were incredibly pleased when she ceased terrorizing the neighborhood, and instead learned how to read. She continued to spend her free time buried in books throughout the remainder of her life.
Before beginning her sixth-grade year, Ayla’s family moved from upstate New York to east Tennessee. Here, she discovered an avid hatred for heat, red dirt, and the infernal insects known as spider crickets.
She had a rather uneventful high school experience, spending most of her time pretending she didn’t exist. She graduated after missing over forty days of school in her senior year, a minor miracle no one is quite sure how she accomplished.
In 2015, she enrolled in Susquehanna University as an English secondary-education major. Here, she made friends who actually tolerated her presence, and began implementing her plan to slowly take over the universe. The first step to world domination involved her convincing enough people to vote for her that she gained executive board positions on two different clubs, Active Minds and the Sub-Popular Culture Club. As treasurer, she learned that she was only good at managing other people’s money. She convinced local business to donate items and managed to hold a successful raffle that ensured that SPCC was no longer completely broke. By the end of her junior year, she had gained the position of co-president of Active Minds and had recently began implementing changes that probably should have happened years ago.
Ayla was also known for her oddly morbid love of decapitation. As a child, she used a ride-on train to have her ken doll run over barbie. Barbie’s head was lost in the unfortunate incident but was later reattached to her body. Ayla also greatly enjoyed the ending of the live action Alice in Wonderland film. She could be heard cackling every time she watched the Jabberwocky’s head bounce down the tower steps.
Additionally, Ayla enjoyed putting on makeup in her spare, and busy, time. She insisted that makeup helped her to look less like a potato, a fact her friends often contested, but she also genuinely enjoyed the artistic element of applying cosmetics. Ayla had a small rolling cart that doubles as a three-tiered makeup vanity, and more makeup than she could wear in a month. Her local Ulta and Sephora employees knew her by name, and she spent more money in these stores than she probably should have. Ayla requested that the mortician use the Jaclyn Hill Morphe pallet for her funeral makeup and directed them not to skimp on the glitter.
Ayla preferred listening to podcasts while she drove and cleaned but did occasionally listen to podcasts while attempting to complete her homework. She had never written a podcast before, and was, quite frankly, terrified to try. Despite her love of procedural television shows like Special Victims Unit and Criminal Minds, she had never tried listening to a true crime podcast and did not intend to start now.
Ayla left all her belongings to her cat, Alice. She requested that any gifts be sent to her at Susquehanna and hoped that none of you would dwell of the fleetingness of mortality. After all, you will see her again; she’s not dead, just incredibly busy. We hope to see you all at the reception; there will be lasagna.
[Amen swells as the eulogy ends, and then fades away, ending the bio]