Richard
MY MELOGY (AUDIO BIO SCRIPT)
Open with: Funeral Music and murmuring. Then steps and adjusting of microphone.
ME (RICHARD) Hello everyone! Hi! It’s me, Richard. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out of your day for coming to my funeral. It means a lot to me. It’s finally happened, everyone. I have died. Thank gawd. Praise Jesus. (coughing can be heard) As most of you all know, I have spent the longest time of my life just dying. I would never say, “Hi!” or “Hey!” I would either scream or tell you that I’m dying. I bet y’all are wondering how I died.
ATTENDEE Well, not really…
ME (RICHARD) Too bad! Imma tell you anyway! (groaning sounds from audience) It all started at the beginning of my Junior year of college. I get on campus, I’m moving in, everything is great! That’s when the mold attacked. You see, I rented a storage locker over the summer, well my mom rented out a storage locker for me, shout out to you mom, and I moved a bunch of the stuff from my room that I didn’t need over the summer to this storage locker as one does. That consisted of rugs, fall and winter clothes, electronic appliances that are totally in regulation with University standards, and my copious amounts of dishes. (A phone rings, scuffling, then a door closes softly.) Bye! Where was I? Oh yeah, the storage locker. When we were first going to rent out the storage unit, I suggested that we air condition the unit because I also had my art supplies in there and many art supplies are flammable. But then my mom said that it was extra money and I shut that idea down real quick. Gotta be savin them coins you know. When I got back to campus for the new semester and unpacked everything, my first warning sign was a moldy pair of boots. I didn’t think they were my boots because my boots are brown and these boots looked like camo, that’s how bad it was. Those were quickly thrown away. Then I pulled out my pair of maroon converse, and they were celebrating Christmas. It was so disgusting. Those were also thrown away. It turns out that something got wet in the locker and that’s why mold started growing. But anyway. I open my fall and winter clothes and the smell. It was like a cross of black mold and mold.
(Church bells can be heard in the background.)
I immediately throw all my clothes into the washing machines in the basement of my building. It took a couple of washes until the mold smell finally left all my clothes. Although the washing machine decided to eat my laundry during one of the washes. I walk down and find my clothes all wrapped up in one of the washing machine components. Only one scarf was harmed in this process thank God. But that was finished. And then I opened my box of dishes and everything seemed fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I get to the bottom of the box and find a moldy, wooden cutting board and I almost cried. At this point, a week went by of washing the mold out of my clothes and now the second week is opened with moldy dishes. Now I’m crying and scrubbing dishes furiously trying to make sure they a spotless. When I thought that was over, I collapsed in celebration. This long battle between me and mold was finally over. And it was finally over. I get up. I stick my noise cancelling headphones into my phone and I turn the volume up. I dance my way out of my building and to the campus center to get a celebratory chicken sandwich. I go to cross the train tracks and BAM! I get hit by a train. I know what you all are thinking, howsmstdve does he not look like a cartoon pancake at the moment. I don’t blame you. The only people I have to thank for that is my friends, my family, and a great mortician who doubles as a plastic surgeon. (more murmuring) Thank you everyone for listening to my tragic story and thank you for enjoying my funeral! There are gift bags on the way out. It’s time for me to lay down. Goodbye!
Ending sound: Funeral music picks up again