Alyssa
I had this diary in high school that was angsty as you’d expect and to a certain extent uniformed. Hello everyone, my name is Alyssa, and I’m about to read you my high school diary.
May 1, 2014
Prom is next year and I’m worried I won’t get a date. Maybe I’ll put an ad in the newspaper. I know that would be weird, but I could make a list of qualifications and the headline could say “desperate girl needs a date for prom”. Unfortunately, that’s the most realistic way for me to actually get a date.
I went to my senior prom a couple years after I’d written that entry. I honestly don’t remember the night that well. I hoped reading my diary entry about prom would help me remember the night more clearly, but I discovered that I didn’t write about it at all. What I do remember is I went with a group of friends rather than going with a date. It was alright. I more clearly remember waiting in line after school to get my ticket. I stood alone since my friends had already bought theirs. I was aware of the people in line standing with their dates. This guy who I thought was too awkward to get a date stood in front of me with the girl he’d asked. I felt like I was doing it wrong and I felt like the people selling me tickets would think I was like a loser or whatever since I wasn’t able to get a date.
November 12, 2015
I probably don’t have a boyfriend because boys think I have nothing interesting to say. I mean, that’s true. I don’t have anything interesting to say. I’m not pretty either so of course, no one would ever want to date me. Again, I’m just kind of there.
When I was younger I thought whether you had a boyfriend or not was sort of like an indication of your worth. At the time, I wouldn’t have put it like that, but I guess I viewed having a boyfriend as something that would make me normal.
I guess when I was younger I thought that there were specific milestones that I needed to hit. There was having your first kiss, going on your first date, getting your first boyfriend, etc. etc. etc. When I didn’t hit these milestones in high school I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought that because I was shy and awkward, there was something wrong with that. I thought that no one could ever have the capacity to like me.
In college, I noticed less people were in relationships. The people who were in relationships were suddenly breaking up. Former classmates were no longer with their significant others. Having fun was the new norm. That was something I could finally participate in. I had a lot of fun the first two years of college. I hit milestones that I thought I should have hit in high school, but the prospect of dating wasn’t appealing to me anymore. I viewed a relationship as an unnecessary stressor in my life so I actively avoided them. I would focus my interest on people who were emotionally unavailable as a way to protect myself. I decided I would stay single throughout college, which hasn’t exactly worked out, but the important thing is I don’t think it’s a big deal anymore.
I read my diary every once in a while because I like to see what was going through my mind two or three years ago around this time. It’s interesting to see how much my opinions have changed and how my confidence has changed. It’s really because of the people I surrounded myself with. I realized that hanging around people who had a low self-esteem wasn’t healthy. I’m not saying I’m this positive person now, I’m definitely not, but I like myself lot better than I used to. I feel more confident in things I am good at and I feel better about who I am as a person.
Reading my old diary makes me feel worse because of how negative it was. I try to avoid reading it now although in a way I feel like I’ve accomplished something if I can sit here and think about how different my view of myself is now compared to high school. I don’t write in a diary anymore, but I write a lot of fiction and I actually feel like I’m good at it. I never felt like that in the past.
Confidence is considered an attractive trait. People would tell me that if I ever wanted others to like me, I would have to feign confidence. It’s not something that’s easy to do and it’s not something I can do. I don’t claim to be a confident person and I don’t try to be a confident person either. I just accept myself as an introvert who would rather surround herself with a few close friends. That’s something that comes naturally to me and that is what I feel comfortable with. And that’s perfectly okay.